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11/25/2002 Entry: "c'est la vie."

It's weird, the last few days have been just a mix of emotions. I've learned that I can't stay on campus for longer than a month otherwise the imperfections of the school will get to my head and start to aggravate me until I have someone else to let out my aggression with. Plus I've been battling some kind of head cold since last thursday, the ill feeling isn't located anywhere from my neck down, but for the last four days I've been having an on&off headache and the facial part of my head has been aching. I'm feeling better today, but I can only guess that it'll come back tomorrow. Keeping my pre-New Year's resolution by only drinking juice and water has kept me healthy for the most part though. I'm just really excited to go home for Thanksgiving break and be out of school for a week.

I want to rest and take a nap but I have a philosophy exam tonight to study for and my roomie & I have yet to begin cleaning up our room before we leave for Thanksgiving break tomorrow. The song I'm Goin' Down by Mary J. Blige has become my personal theme at the moment, singing the same line over and over again just to make the song last.

The funny thing is, amid all the stress, aches & pains, having no muse, and general distaste of life, I feel quite happy. Maybe delirium/denial has set in, who knows. But it blows my mind how I'm keeping my head up until I get a well-deserved break. I may be hanging by thread but I'm not giving up. Missy Elliot's song "Work It" also blows my mind. She's an amazing woman. I ended up making a Missy Mix and it's got all her songs and remixes and collaborations on it. Definitely hot. Back to the topic in hand, I feel hunky dory despite no motivation and no inspiration to be creative. It's like my legs keep walking even if my head tells it to just drop and cease to live. I do a lot of things feeling numb to what I should be feeling, just doing it because it's part of life. All I do is breathe in and breathe out, keeping hope that the numbness will go away sooner than soon.

It's probably too early to be thinking about setting up a list of New Year's Resolutions for 2003, but since I've never really made a list to actually keep I've decided I'm going to do that for next year. Blame it on me to be thinking of the future, thinking of what my actions now could result for me in a year's time. One thing on the list is my attempt to show my love for my family more than I actually do. I love my sisters and my parents with all my heart and soul but telling them and giving them hugs seem so difficult for me to do. All my life my fam has lived by the you know I love you and I know you love me, you don't need to tell me so mantra, but it's just not enough anymore. I get so sentimental thinking about my family the days I never get to see them as often, thinking that tomorrow I may lose my whole family, so now is the time I should tell them how I feel before it's too late. Ya feelin' me? There I go thinking about the future again. Other than that, there's just so many aspects of my personality that I need to change as much as my life is changing. I'm all about self-improvement baby.

In case my mom calls, tell her not worry because I'm doing alright. I just miss her like crazy.

Replies: 2 comments

I read a quote recently. Allow me to paraphrase:

"Devote your time to developing your strengths rather than to deny your weaknesses."

It made me think of the resolutions we all make and how they tend to be of the type of getting rid of bad habits. Think of a strength of yours you want to nourish Erma.

Posted by Vernon @ 11/25/2002 11:48 PM EST

AWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I'm numb too. Lack of motivation! ME TOO! Wanting to die? PFFFFFT, woman, please! I ain't crazay!

Posted by bog @ 11/25/2002 10:31 PM EST