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08/27/2002 Entry: "not good enough"

The Yankies are beating my Red Sox four to nothing. Sucky sucky.

Sometimes I don't feel asian enough. As if I'm too "americanized" to feel traditionally filipino, but too brown skinned and asian-ny to be respected as a good american citizen.

Case in point: a filipino woman and her son who my parents happen to meet wihle we're shopping try to introduce themselves to me. The woman tries to talk to me in tagalog but I'm not fluent in the language so all I can do is smile and tell her I don't understand. Her son and her bust a gut laughing that I can't understand them and their basic tone sounds as if I'm some pretentious "americanized" person who was "born in the U.S.A.!" And? Then that also leads to the son's difficulty in introducing himself to me just because I speak english.

I make no apologies for being born here. I take pride in my flipino culture as well as the american culture I've grown with to love. I guess it takes twice as much effort to keep living in both cultures and I don't mind holding that responsibility. But it sucks at times to feel that I'm not up to par to be accepted within the family circle as well as torturing myself with the mentality thinking that I'm not good enough for people in general.

Just thought I'd get that out.

I'm thinking of reading The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Haven't seen the movie, but it's on my mental video rental list.

Replies: 6 comments

I know exactly how you feel...only I feel what you feel but in a more severe way, being that I'm a mixed kid.

Posted by Julia @ 09/01/2002 03:49 AM EST

I say it ain't so bad since I've lived here all my life. I doubt the people I had an encounter with have lived here long, obviously they haven't really experienced their surroundings yet. i dunno.

Posted by Erma @ 09/01/2002 02:07 AM EST

not to be a dickhead or anything, but i really dont understand most people's concept of heritage. if some other country is so great, you should just move there. whats so bad about being an american anyway?

Posted by mike @ 09/01/2002 01:21 AM EST

The movie was your regular soppy chick flick fare. I haven't read the book, so I dunno.

Posted by Lane @ 08/28/2002 05:44 PM EST

I feel exactly the way you do about being an Asian American, but I really hate the traditions of Laotian culture so if people don't accept me, I don't really care. :)

Also, Divine Secrets is a wonderful book. You should also read Altars Everywhere... it's the prequel to Divine.

Posted by maly @ 08/28/2002 12:06 PM EST

I sometimes feel the same way too about being too Americanized. It's somthing we can't help at all, but yet I feel so guilty for not knowing eveyrthing about my culture. My only fear is not being able to share it with my own kids one day.

Posted by Nara @ 08/28/2002 04:40 AM EST